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June 30, 2011

story ari ni..


pagi ni tibe2 aku ternampak satu story yang gile panjang...
tapi meaning full n sangattt sedih..
aku makan masa 30 minit untuk hayati n baca dengan bersungguh2..**mujur dtg awal**
really touching..

jadi dengan tindakan tanpa sedar yang ada..aku terus copy paste cerita ni laju2..
hopefully boleh dijadikan ..ntahla..everythings yang terjadi dalam citer ni sangat kebetulan..n sangat sedih...

baca tau>>.

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today.

I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to test on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets.

Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeling.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it."

There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest.

As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and am exhausted from along day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes. From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash them again.

One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me.... I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"

After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please.

In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work.

That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table.

The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I could not. I threw down the bowl, rushed into the washroom, and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbling very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes.. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really did not mean it.

We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious, since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at then low point in my life.
Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible; you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant.

Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?

At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart.

I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me around in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight?

Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket. That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again.

The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital."

I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless. I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...

I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if....In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother.

Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self-pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me,challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.

That night, he did not come home; he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other.

He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff. I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not.. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine.

As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there. After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pulled the paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, are you pregnant?"

Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket. In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me. I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scars in each other's heart. For me, it's unintentional; for him, totally intentional.

I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated. Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him.

From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart. Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time I cared for him and am concerned because there was love, but now, what is there between us? Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing but I continuously ignored him.

Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brow, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did?

He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in; his warm eyes caused me to manage a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son and me, eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment.

Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when he first discovered he had cancer. Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral."

I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hitsme. Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son:

"Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no longer has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion....

Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there.

Hubby has also written a letter for me:

"My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby...My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me...These presents, I'm afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging... "

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang through the air as tears slowly rolled down my face.... A fatal misunderstanding and the person who loves me the most in this world is gone forever...

"Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our originals intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late."........

k dah..jangan emo lagi...lap air mata k..

June 29, 2011

SeLangKAh Ke Alam BARU


gile heran bila tibe2 tengok rangking pembaca blog makin tambah bila entry ber'title' kawen..
nge3...tibe2 aku sedar yang 'kawen' adalah topik paling hangat sekali tahun ni..

ok2...dah lama sangat xupdate..
bukan sebab eksyen pelik2 bila da jadi cik puan..**gile xlojik!**
tibe2 susah sangat nak berblog...**xtau apa yang susahnye**
tapi kesempatan tu macam kurang...
ari2 pk macamana nak 'upgrade life??"

ekcelli x dinafikan hidup baru bersama orang baru, rumah baru, title baru, cara baru n tempat baru....
agak mencabar...
n alhamdulillah.....kitorang da semakin membiasakan diri...

antara kelainan atau perbezaan ketara:

1) satu yang xdapat dinafikan...
layanan sebagai isteri orang kat tempat kerja sangat special...
persekitaran yang sangat sempoi...tapi ada semangat saling melindungi....
bayangkan sejak akhir2 ni...
bila stayback, betapa 'caring' nya teams sampai dorang xkan balik selagi diorang xsure aku selamat or berteman....**gile touching!**
n kadang2 sampai ramai yang terkejut bila aku still flexible untuk keje anytime....**sporting kan my hubby**
ni antara persetujuan kami untuk kekalkan komitmen kerja selagi xmengganggu hubungan n hidup kami.....hehehe
tapi as a wife aku akan selalu pastikan 'i will be back first' sebelum my hubby balik kerja....
tanggungjawab tu...

2)...betul sangat2 bila ada kata2 sorang my fren ni:::" bila kita da kawen. ibarat hijab pasal life terbuka abes...sume orang terbuka untuk share everythings"....n banyak ilmu rumah tangga yang baru aku belajar lately...nge3....happy tau.....

3) perkongsian hidup...perkongsian masalah...perkongsian perasaan hati n perasaan....betul2 mengajar kita erti kematangan.....everytings should ada 'give n take"....saling percaya n jangan sesekali ajar diri untuk pikir bukan2!!! *** xbaik tau kawan2**

4) n paling bersemangat sekali bila tibe2 aku jadi bendahari rumahtangga!>>nge3....BERJIMAT CERMAT TU SANGAT PENTING!...." macam dialog amah:: ija kalau pasal macamana nak jimat, memang no. 1!....**Hihihihi**tapi xdelah sampai tergamak nak biarkan my hubby makan megi jek macam zaman2 kolej dulu...

5) latest sekali..!!..tibe2 aku jadi pembaca setia majalah WANITA...nge3...banyak tuuu petua ter'BAEK .........xcaye???...korang try beli satu!

June 22, 2011

REVIEW Majlis Akad Nikah n ReSepSi>>


alhamdulillah da hampir 2 minggu bergelar cik puan,
xtvt keremmajaan terpaksa di'hold'kan sikit demi sikit..
kerja2 overtime pon terpaksa di kurangkan bila encik hubby x outstation..
lumrah hidup sebagai isteri...tapi manissss....hihihi

sedikit review tentang majlis kawen yang sederhana...nge3..

akad nikah berlangsung tepat pukul 9.15 pagi...n aku sah bergelar isteri kepada en.Md Aminuddin Thaha tepat jam 9.41 minit pagi dengan sekali lafaz sahaja..

en.amin baca taklik dengan laju selajunya....aku dapat rasakan nerves yang gile2 kacau...haha

kontrol ayu sambil duduk bersimpuh...hahaha..tibe2 komen yang aku xsangka dari mulut awong..""apesal muka ko macam sedih je..kena paksa eh""..gile aku rasa shoot ni da paling anggun..apakah??????

berjuraian air mata...tatau nape...sebak aku da start awal2 time ayah buat akad berwakilkan wali kepada imam a.k.a tok kadi...

ha...masa ni lah...riak muka ayah untuk melepaskan anak perempuan pertama dalam family...betul2 wat aku tersentuh.....luv sangat mak n ayah....n lepas je akad, kali pertama aku peluk n cium ayah sejak aku besar panjang ni....

turn aku plak lafaz taklik sambil bersalaman dengan en.suami....

tandatangan kontrak seumur hidup...n semuanya berjalan dengan lancar..alhamdulillah..

sesi "batal air sembahyang kot"...ntahlah tatau nama apa yang pelik2...tapi uniknya majlis aku kali ni adik en.amin sendiri yang sarungkan gelang kahwin...

tengok mak ayah happy betul dalam gambar ni....sukeeee sangat...nge3

alhamdulillah majlis nikah berakhir dalam pukul11 pagi...n aku pon sibuk kumpul2 hadiah kat bilik...

n pastu tukar2 baju n majlis resepsi pon bermula tepat pukul 2.30 petang....
paluan kompang betul2 buat aku rasa debar2 n feel 'pengantin' tu memang dapat dirasai sepenuhnya...ceeewah.!

hmmm...masa ni aku xsure lah ada silat ke x?..lupa nak tanya big boss sampai sekarang....ngeee3

upacara persandingan di jalankan dengan sempurna sekali...pengapit adalah adik perempuan aku (lah)....

haruslah ada gambar berposing ala hang tuah n laila majnun.....

makan damai....en. amin memang xde kontrol langsung!....ngap je laju2 sampai berposing pon sampai disuruh2....hehehe

n lepas makan ni kitorang terus tukar baju untuk outdoor...

::::nantikan sedutan outdoor....(*** abang fotografer tu cakap bulan depan baru dapat...huhu)..
xsabar nak tengok baju hijau daun n gaun kembang kat tanjung balau.....hehehe

June 17, 2011

SeMinGgu SEBELUM bergelar Cik PuAn..


review progress kawen terpaksa sangat2 aku hentikan for last two weeks..
gile terkejar2 dengan schedule pape ntah..
dengan preparation last mnit bagai..
laptop rosak...blurr...
n akhirnya aku berjaya kawen!!!..yeeehaaa...

sedikit review last week sebelum jadi puan..

jumaat: 3 hb jun 2011

balik opis aku terkejar2 kemas bilik n kosongkan rumah secepat tibe2 lampu flat boleh mapuh...gile seksa turunkan barang n sumbat semampat-mampatnya dalam kenari merah cyg...n malam tuh aku tido dengan xlenanya sebab dengan selimut2 sekali aku masukkan dalam kete!..padan muke..

sabtu: 4 hb jun 2011

pagi sepaginya bersiap bagai n gerak p umah baru (saujana putra)...konvoi slow2 belakang en.amin...n lunch kejap nasi bungkus kat umah baru sebelum gerak balik johor....**kasi feel umah baru****ngeee3
n sampai johor lepas asar...

ahad: 5 hb jun 2011

agenda pertama....terus pegi NONA beli paper bag, bunga rampai n segala macam pinggan mangkuk cawan polisterin..kemas rumah sewa ayah..jadikan rumah tumpangan....susun tilam..

isnin: 6 hb jun 2011

operasi masukkan segala bagai barang2 doorgift n bungkus kuih bangkit n kerepek....tibe2 rasa macam kejap je siap..ngeee333..buat sambil gebang2..

selasa: 7 hb jun 2011

beli al quran untuk hantaran en.amin...inai n ambil baju pengapit ...ronda2 jap cari barang2 doorgift lagi sambil makan mcd nugget laju2 dalam kete ngan Lah...

rabu: 8 hb jun 2011

pasang langsir kat umah sewa ayah...gile gojes!..tibe2 aku rasa rumah tumpangan lagi vogue dari umah pengantin....xpe....yang penting aku nak kawen jugak kat umah lama...umah aku membesar..umah aku main kejar2..umah kesayangan n umahku syurgaku....**walaupon umah tu da agak uzur***

khamis: 9 jun 2011

fitting n amik baju nikah...sangat debar2 giler bila tengok baju sanding aku masih belum siap....gile!! lagi 2 hari tuh...tibe2 kaler dia xsama macam yang aku nak!!!...rasa nak nanges..tapi recover balik bila mak andam cakap.....kaler ni akan naik bila kena flash n lampu pelamin....fine! aku caye....last minit weh...try baju yang sangat simple...tapi tibe2 aku rasa baju tu kembang!....skjfydfbrfyn...hmmmm

beli belah bagai lagi untuk hiasan dulang hantaran..yang paling best..petang tu dalam pukul 5.30 tibe2 sumi doorgift xcukup!!...terus aku tekan minyak pg kedai apek..mujur dia x kunci lagi pintu kedai....gile xde ciri2 ke'pengantin'an langsung!

n malam tuh mandi2 beras kunyit n limau purut......nyamannnnnn....

jumaat: 10 jun 2011

hari2 terakhir yang sangat bizi...rewang merewang pon da start..."KAKRU!jangan keluar lagi arini...pengantin xboleh kuar!""..tu je ayat2 yang aku dengar sehari suntuk..tapi disebabkan petang tu aku nak tengok jugak baju sanding baru puas ati....kuar jugak! lagi xmasuk akal...bile tibe2 aku teman kak nana cari bahan masak untuk makan beradab kat!..kalau ayah tau ni.....

suasana rewang dekat2 maghrib...sume da beransur balik......model adalah my mummy yang sangat saya sayanggg...walaupon xsihat tetap berganding bahu untuk pastikan semuanya berjalan lancar....BIG KISS for my ayah n mak...MMMMUAHHHH

n malam tu betul2 jadi malam berinai....ngeee3333...

just makan2 ringan je...memang xdibuat malam berinai untuk persandingan....ngeee3..betul2 malam untuk aku pakai inai sambil terbongkang puak rentang........

edisi majlis resepsi esok ye....ngeee3333


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